Heartful Parenting

Heartful Parenting
Connecting Parenting and Emotional Intelligence

For crying out loud - Dr. David Myers cheers for tears while promoting emotional freedom

By Kathy Kemp, Post-Herald

Dr. David Myers could not cry. . .he seemed the very definition of the sensitive man. But underneath that Phil Donahue-esque exterior, Myers was as hard and unmoved as General George Patton. “That's probably the main reason I went into therapy,” says the 52-year-old Birmingham clinical psychologist, and he doesn't't means as a practitioner. “I think my problem grew out of things I learned, growing up, about what girls should do and what boys should do. My childhood was more about achievement than emotion. As an adult, I knew that I had shut myself off from this major emotional experience.”

It was therapy that changed the therapist's life. In the late 1970's, a few years after he sought professional help, years was finally able to cry - at his father's funeral. “I finally had the freedom to do that, and people were becoming up to me, cautioning me that I was getting too emotional,” he recalls. “So many of us are not comfortable when other people show intense emotional. They don't realize that for the person expressing that emotion, it can be a very helpful thing.”

From his expertise as both a clinician and a client, Myers has published a book he hopes will help adults come to terms with their emotional shortcomings and not pass them on to their children. In Heartful Parenting: Connecting Parenting and Emotional Intelligence, Myers teaches parents to respect and help channel their children's emotions.

“If a parent slaps a child, and then says, ‘If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about,' what is the parent teaching this child at a psychological and physiological level? That he shouldn't't cry, even if it hurts.” Myers says that kind of parenting, common in the 1940's and 50's when he was growing up, can leave children unable, as he was, to express certain emotions.

In the book, he stresses that parents can allow their children to feel angry, jealous, sad or afraid, but not stop there. “It's important to teach children constructive ways to handle these emotions,” he says. “If they are hurt or sad, its okay to cry. If they are angry, it is constructive to say I am angry, rather than to put your fist through the window.

Born in Defiance, Ohio, Myers grew up in a blue-collar, post-Depression household in which achievement was stressed, and feelings ignored. Through high school and college, he was consumed with achieving - first his bachelors' degree form the University of Cincinnati and then his master's and doctoral degrees in psychology from the Univ. of S. Florida. As soon as he had finished his education, Myers suddenly began to change his notion of achievement from outside accomplishment to inside fulfillment. And this is when he became determined to cry. In therapy, he says, he discovered he was unconsciously tightening his chest when he felt sad. He taught himself to stop doing that.

These days, Myers is easily moved to tears by books, movies, music or the simple joys and sorrows of everyday life. That emotional freedom, he believes, only can promote the very achievement his parents envisioned for their son. “Without therapy, I would not have been able to write this book,” Myers says. “I would not have felt comfortable enough to call myself an author. The good news is that once you understand your feelings better, you have more confidence, and there is a domino effect from that. You will be able to achieve in many more ways."

Parents should serve as models for their kids

By Jenny Derringer, Staff Writer

Place a frog in boiling water and the creature will fight to escape, but put it in cool water and slowly turn up the heat. The frog acclimates to the increased temperature and eventually dies. The same can be said for individuals and their families.

This observation is featured in a new book on successful parenting, by Dr. David Myers. "We have slowly allowed the temperature to rise without paying attention to why it is rising. We can get back to the internal process of turning the temperature down, then the frog doesn't t die."

"I've raised two stepchildren and the idea of what do I do and what do I not do, hit me" explained the psychologist. "People had been telling me all along that it would be nice if they had a school for parenting. So I thought I could put together a book that would be that kind of school. The other aspect of why I wanted to write the book was that most parents are able to provide for their children's material things, but parents of my generation grew up in the Depression and the idea was to survive. Now the idea is go beyond survival and have an emotional experience with their children. This way parenting becomes an internal experience, rather than an external experience."

Dr. Myers' book takes a common sense approach. It is written on a down to earth level that deals with the issues of anger, emotionality, and communication. "I intended the book more as a guide than a recipe book," said Myers, "so that in the reading, people can make their own decisions. I make it very clear that I do not have all the answers, because each parent-child combination is different. But what I do have is a guide that gets somewhat specific and from that, parents can make their own decisions."

To successfully parent a child, Myers stresses that the emphasis on achievement needs to be balanced with communication. "Parents have to put it into practice for themselves so the kids can see that as a model. Parents can serve as models for their kids. More of, "Do as I do, not do as I preach.

Order the book

Heartful Parenting Connecting Parenting and Emotional Intelligence

Heartful Parenting
Connecting Parenting and Emotional Intelligence